Black Stone Heart

Black Stone Heart


Black stone heart
Feel so trapped
With a black stone heart

Unmoving, unfeeling-
Painfully revealing
All the things I did wrong
While I was hoping to belong

Black stone heart
Broken cold and empty
Replays happier times to me
Builds fruitless fantasies

Rising up from the ground
Hoping to be found
It mingles with the wind
It’s lost again

Tied up with chains inside
So its pieces may not fall
Tied up inside
It lives within a wall

Black stone heart
My enemy
Black stone heart
No warmth within me

Black stone heart
I want you to die
Take me with you
No more can I cry

I can’t fix you
Can’t mend you
Can’t make it all right
Black stone heart
How long can we fight?

You are me
And I am you
We’re so different
But stuck with glue

Let’s give it up now
No one will see
Break it up now
And let each other be

This is for us
My black stone heart
This is just
To break us apart

You will beat no more
I will no longer be
The chains around you will fall
Finally freed

Blackness to embrace
Black stone heart
An identity to erase
Death does us part.

Pushpanjali Banerji
Nov'07

Glittering hands.

Spiraling. Downwards. Moments of peace torn by the past, moments of insanity, insecurities biting into happiness that is rarely found. Questions destroying dreams, like sandcastles lovingly built are washed away by the sea currents.
I’m there again.
I had closed my eyes. And it was a beautiful dream. I was out of the four walls. There was a waterfall, a sunset, brilliant green blades of grass and beautiful music echoing through the air. I was overwhelmed; it was difficult to believe I was here. Yet, when I gazed into the lake I saw my reflection. When I screamed, I heard my shout. It was real.
I saw those hands. Many colours glittered on his every finger and I reached out to touch.
We were lying on the grass, I wasn’t alone at last.

Did I want eternity? Did I crave security? Those promises were made to me before. I had learnt they meant nothing. They led you to a cliff and begged you to fall, shatter into a million bloody pieces, strewn all over the paradise of your mind.
I had stared at my torn corpse for too long. The blood had not yet dried, and I saw, painfully- that even in the absurd way my head was twisted, my eyes still appeared to be dreaming. So I was breathing again.

The hands were everywhere, holding me and caressing me. I wanted to feel, without the pain of yesterday, as if I were still alive. And I saw myself twist away. My mind was fighting, but my body wouldn’t obey, it wouldn’t allow me to feel cherished, it began to tremble and shake, making me feel like a freak, like I had lost all control.

The loving hands moved away. The eyes blinked and it felt like he was gone. My eyes were open wide. It was lost; I searched amongst the tall concrete walls that had sprung around me again. The window of hope, the golden ray of sunshine…

It’s black again.

I settle myself into the corner, where I’ve sat for so long. Picking up a piece of stone I sketch on the walls- the waterfalls, the sun, the stars....
and the glittering hands.

-Pushpanjali Banerji
dec’07

The day of complete fulfillment

The day of complete fulfillment


Well… Today isn’t it.

It was few days ago. Green painted nails. Standing next to ma, having gol-gappas. Buying cheap clothes. I didn’t let go of her hand for a second that day. It felt so good to be next to her after so long…she said she’d drive me anywhere I want.
I kept telling her how happy I was. I had no idea I missed her so much.
I kept embarrassing her, leaning in and kissing her cheeks, and hugging her unexpectedly.
I love that kind of warmth. It feels like anything- even if the world was falling apart-my mom would utter one word, and everything would go back in its place, almost apologetically.
From giving dirty looks to men who stare at me shamelessly to buying me anything she lays her eyes on-she’s protected me, loved me and spoilt me.
Even though she doesn’t understand my dress sense anymore- she had just grasped the idea of my super low waists when I began demanding a fringe. Now she’s tired of sweeping my hair off my forehead.
She’s forced herself to let me be. She wants to stand back and see what will happen. She won’t push me into learning classical or lower the volume when I play lamb of god at full volume. She gives me space- I suspect she may like metal if I make her hear it often enough!
Like any mother daughter, we look forward to quiet and fun filled afternoons in the mall, shopping for colourful hairpins and bags. And shoes! Latest obsession. I’ve gotten ma hooked to Carlton!
She’ll feel the contours of the patent leather shoes with me, share my passion. Give the shoe its due respect- hold it lovingly and contemplate the price tag. Work out a bargaining strategy.
She’d watch lovingly as I’d draw smiley’s in my cappuccino with demirara sugar. She wave to all the babies when I’d tell her about all the man problems in my life, and then hear my lecture about not listening! :p
Mom, I love you. I’m still biting on the toast you’ve lovingly made for me. With a little bit of honey in it, just the way I like it. I love your simplicity, your purity, your attempts at generalizing anything under the sun, even if that gets to me, come to think of it- its almost adorable. Don’t get too happy, I said ‘almost’. ;p
I love the way you learn from me, buy yourself eye-shadows and turn to me to help you. I love the way you say cuss words with immense reluctance! I love your hazel eyes which remind me of honey and the sweetness they possess.

I cant picture how you put up with me. my over critical nature, my difficult personality, my million points of view, my million excuses as to why my clothes are always strewn on the floor, or why the toothpaste never has a cap on it.
I love the way you gently push me towards my goals by not saying anything at all.
I love the way I feel around you-my heart feels like a little child- hunched over a fresh new piece of paper with a lime colored crayon in her hand, who wants her life to seem directionless, but the jagged lines make sense in the end.

Pushpanjali Banerji

My loneliness

Standing beside me
Following me around
Always there for me
Waiting around

Should I embrace you
Or should I turn away

Holding my hand
Drawing in the sand
Teary eyed
Tangled inside

Should I erase you
Or should you stay

Loyal, so loyal are you
You've never left me since...
Oh you've always been true

Come to me
My loneliness
My arms are open wide

Embrace me
My loneliness
Together we have survived

Half woven dreams
Shattered by reality
Crystal love
Shattered for eternity

Don't follow me
Like a shadow
Hide within me
I'm so hollow

Holding my hand
Drawing in the sand
Teary eyed
Tangled inside

Embrace me
My loneliness
It’s just you and me
My loneliness

Pushpanjali Banerji
Nov'07

Lonely new year, without them...

Poor little baby

Poor little baby
Look at you
Grasping the earth
Suffocating at birth

Poor little baby
Look at you
Dreaming their dreams
Becoming their means

Fucked up baby
Fucked up crazy

Eat it, eat it
What you get your hands on
Breathe it, feed it
What you get your mouth on

Will you survive?
Will you always be deprived?
Will you live twice?
Will you be wise?

Poor little baby
Look at you
Pain that’s untold
Growing so old

Poor little baby
Look at you
Creating so much more
Than you could deal with before

Die
Poor little baby
Cry
Poor little baby
Die.

Pushpanjali Banerji

Happiness.

This is just one of my treasured cut outs!

:P

"Microsoft word is to me, what guitar is to you."

"It Sucked"

It sucked.


One month of utter chaos. Cleaning up the mess. Making sense of pert charts, of designs, graphics and politics. Lugging a camera crew while burning up with fever. Headaches I wouldn’t allow myself to respond to.
Keep going, keep going. Tie up the loose ends and have faith. Faith that everyone will do their bit and its okay if I do mine and a lot extra.

Sleep and nourishment were non existent. I was flying between cities running from the airport to college to give my exams. Bloodshot eyes and looking like shit.

The events had problems no one could anticipate. After 8 re-runs, that happened smoothly, the DVD player conked out for a humiliating 45 seconds in the final show. Screaming into the clear comm, I could feel my head burst, and my blood freezing.

I was so tired. The lights guy couldn’t understand English or Hindi, same with the sound person. As the model took a turn center stage- the music conked out because “fade out” really didn’t mean anything besides ‘cut the music’ to the nodding moron that I was left to hopelessly scream at.

They asked me why I wasn’t dolled up. They think you can walk into your own event after spending five hours in a luxurious parlour. I mean, come on, you’re the CEO’s daughter what else should we expect?

My attendance was short. And is short. Letters and applications to college…my hands are tired of writing.

But wait. Don’t think this blog post is me cribbing. I took on this responsibility and I will not just sit back and complain about it.

This blog is about the “it sucked” people I met.
The media was good and bad to us. That’s how the media is supposed to be in any case. I am in that line. I understand that. If you don’t give unlimited booze to the media-well they go ahead and write unlimited shit about you, while munching on your snacks, sitting around and littering your venue.

But the ‘friends’ and relatives, your team members and people who didn’t quite do their bit well, turn around and tell you that it sucked, well they’re the ones I want to disown. Its then when I feel lonely, long for the strong support system you get when your younger and people respect you even though you haven’t done a damn.

Not a shred of support. Someone said to me recently, (while adding pointers about how and what was wrong with the event) “it takes a second to chop down a tree that’s taken ages to grow”

Don’t I know what went wrong? Don’t I know that about my own event?
Stop giving me advice that you’ve never followed. Talking about problems you’ve never faced. Shut up about your better catering services or which party you went to when and what and why it was better. Take a damned hint.

Doll up with your Chanel bags and get photographed in a planted news story growing in every page3. Talk about feng-shui, shopping and bed hopping.
Talk about the time you saw that beautiful show in Australia and that amazing dress in Singapore. Brag about your cousin’s friend who has now turned homosexual but doesn’t know it yet, but its okay because he’s so rich and now days its so stylish to be gay!

Just don’t talk to me. I want to hide behind the buttons and dials of the console, feeling like a sailor marooned aboard a ship in a stormy sea. Let me put on my clear comm. And watch the fuck up happen all over again. The people who didn’t do their jobs, the people who don’t put in their all.

Let me explain a thing or two about budgets to freeloaders and socialites. Let me tell them a thing or two about market research and strategies. About cutting costs, about working hard.

I may be twenty, but that doesn’t mean you talk to me like a child. Treat me with some respect, even though I may not have the time to put on my Armani shades and mascara my eyes.
I may not have a boy toy clinging to my waist and a D&G glittering in my hand. But one thing- and get it straight- I work harder than you.
And I respect hard work enough to not disrespect someone’s efforts. Not to be a bitchy bystander.

If something goes wrong, I’m going to be there. Tell you to be strong. Tell you it was great and there were, indeed, a lot of great things about what you did. That you’re learning, and there are people who criticize Mona Lisa, Shakespeare and Sigmund Freud! For god sake- there are people who criticize metal!
It in life’s testing moments like these, that I get a look at my real friends. I’d like to believe that all two hundred of them (believe me I have that many friends!) would be still there in that moment of truth, but I see just one or two.
Thank god for those two!

I’m not disappointed. I’m used to being left in times of miseries. I know most people are fair-weather friends. But I’m hoping they’ll change. I’m hoping again. Because when they’re in my situation- or something even close to it- they’ll realize that t wasn’t the event but they who sucked.


No consolation scraps please, your time has passed.

the beautiful trees and the gentle breeze
almost flows through me
.. wounded sky...
i love to swim

the most beautiful painting, thats being painted all the time...is hanging over our heads, if only we'd look up and see...

there's just something about a flyover...its structure..i find it beautiful

staring into the flashes of light...

pray

the demon

The demon awakens.
From under my bed, he lifts his foot and brings it down on my skull… and enters my head.
I watch him running in circles. I watch him scream and howl. I am shivering. He can’t see me. I see his giant silhouette as he turns. The hollowed eyes seem to be giant caves of nothingness. His nails are like tall claws in my minds’ dark blue sky.
I hide behind a tree, I hide to breathe.

The demon comes dangerously close.
He lets out a shriek. I cover my ears, trembling in fear and pain.

I cant bear it anymore, its like my ears would explode.

I come out from under the tree, come in front of his giant being. I cant look at him, I’m too scared.
He stops howling. Startled at the sudden silence, I look up and I want to scream. But my voice is stuck in my throat. I can’t get over what I’m seeing.


I can see him clearly now, the moonlight filters through the side of his face.
Scribbles cover his body. Words and more words. Scribbled. Doodles on his face. Scribbled with a knife.
What I thought were claws are swords. Swords sticking out from his heart.
I look into his face.
It can’t be.
I look again.
It’s me.

sunset wings turned grey.

lifeless yet beautiful

Lost in a moment

I could feel you all around me
I knew I would see you today
May be just a glimpse
Lost in a moment

Just the way
I know night turns to day
I knew i'd see you
After so many years apart
I knew u'd return to break my heart.

I saw you then
Glistening in the summer sun
Your black hair
And ur eyes alive in animation
I felt the same sensation

I felt alive and dead
Memories replayed in my head
Silently I watched u pass me by
I didn't catch your eye.

Longing filled my heart
Tears filled my eyes
Just to hold u again
Just to jump into a bed of thorns
Only to bleed again.

I could feel you all around me
I knew I would see you today
May be just a glimpse
Lost in a moment.

Pushpanjali Banerji

The Fifteenth Time

The Fifteenth Time

I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t hear anything you said. I wasn’t here. Yes, I did seem like I was listening, but I really wasn’t. I was thinking about the sky outside.
Please don’t hold my hand. It makes me nervous. This is only the fourteenth time we’ve met. I did count.



Yes I know you want to hear those words. But the radio is too loud. Don’t turn it down, though-I like this song.
I can’t think. I’m sweating again, you’re standing too close. Step away. I’ll meet you there in my car. Don’t get offended. It’s something I always do… I like my car.



Whatever is in my head should go away. I’ll just look into his eyes a little more. He really is something.
Time begins to move backwards. I’m driving in reverse again, driving myself insane. I pick up my phone and call him.

“I’m needed at home. You’re already there? Oh. I really am sorry. Yes…another time.”


Pushpanjali Banerji

Grey Skies Turn Blue- (Also the name of my favourite MxPx song)

Grey Skies Turn Blue- (Also the name of my favourite MxPx song)

There’s so much to say. So many things just buzzing in my head. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way.
I’ve felt it before- when I was so busy listening to the voices in my head that just I stood there, looking at the person before me. I said nothing at all. I wasn’t asked, urged to speak. Just an empty silence. I don’t remember which one of walked away first, but when I was back in my full consciousness- I was standing alone.
I don’t know if I’ll see him again. I don’t know if I want to. A vague sense of desire tugs at my heart from time to time.

Grey skies turn blue. I’m waiting. There have been many beautiful sunsets, but I want a clear blue sky. Where I can trust blindly again. Fall freely.

*** *** ***

Who knows where I’ll be. I won’t be here in my room typing things at unearthly hours a few months down the line. I’d probably be getting my luggage and crying my way to the airport. I’m struggling to keep today alive. I feel it slipping. I don’t want to grow up. I want to be this pretty just- turned-twenty year old for the rest of my life. I want to wear my skinny jeans everyday, have my nails painted this bright peach-pink always.

I hate that I never have the time to even call someone back. I hate that I’m such a workaholic, I hate that I can’t spend endless hours with friends in random shoe shops. I hate that I’m always tired, always at edge.
I hate that I don’t believe in love. That I can never compromise the way I used to. That I think more about ads and business than clothes.

I don’t want to go abroad. I don’t want this night, this unearthly hour to pass. I don’t want to lose my friends to time zones. Its not like I’m leaving tomorrow, but it feels like it.

-Pushpanjali Banerji
(Yes Japna- give the pep talk, yo ma biatch, love you. :)
and anonymous- :)

( And Suren this was what the stressed out sms was about.)

Pushpanjali Banerji

She had seen it all. And it hurt. From one face to another. They all seemed to be staring at her. Looking at her as though she was small and insignificant, broken and empty- even though they were not looking at her at all.
She felt dizzy and noxious. The world seemed to be spinning. She could hear music. It surrounded her. It was loud and she covered her ears with her palms- but she could not block out the noise.
She stared at the world from her window. Sitting backseat, an animated look in her eyes, she felt alive, awake, content- staring at the world outside.
Everything was moving. She couldn’t make out the colours. The car was moving too fast. Everything became one color with shreds of lights breaking through the luminous color.
It was the sky and the earth merging together, the sun and moon placed in one, complete, starless sky. She smiled and giggled, dying to watch more.
Her hands were placed firmly against the glass. She blinked.The car was stationary. The driver said he had not even started the car when she questioned why they had stopped.
She pressed her head. That song again, exploding in her brain. She struggled to keep her eyes open.
The driver and the car were gone. She was somewhere in the sky, a rainbow below her feet. Small and big raindrops were falling towards her. She laughed again.
She felt the water trickle down her scalp. She looked up, hoping to get a watery drop on her face. It had stopped raining.
She was back on the ground again. She could not move. She could not breathe. Yet she could see. She heard prayers. They said they would miss her. They wondered if it had been painful. Had she bled? They said she was…


***********************************************************************************


Pushpanjali Banerji

...and his loving heart!

I want a pink shoe
And a golden cart
A green fluffy feather
And a lemon tart

I want a little loving
Something true to believe in
But most of all-
I want my little baby
And his loving heart

I feel a little sober
I feel a little drunk
I’ll save my tears for another
Pack my joy in a trunk

And mail it to my baby
And his loving heart
And send it all to my baby
And his loving heart

I want a blue sky
I want a silver sea
I want no lies
But a little sympathy

I want a little dreaming
And a careless caress
But most of all-
I want my little baby
And his loving heart

I want to give my baby
All the loving he can take
I want to give my baby…
Oh, I’d give my life for his sake

I may not get a pink shoe
Or a golden cart
May not find a green feather
Or a lemon tart

But I’ve found my baby
He’s the one I want the most
Yes he’s my baby
(about him I like to boast!)
I’ve found my baby
And his loving heart
Will always love my baby
And his loving heart!


-Pushpanjali Banerji

when you were mine

Break into your little mind
Break everything you can find
Look up and see the
Changing colours of the sky
But you didn’t -
Before you said goodbye

There was still a scent
Lingering in the sir
Like it was everywhere
It wasn’t fair
You weren’t there

I saw the shadows
And the silent stares
I knew they were coming
Ghosts of the past
Were you here at last?

I’m scared already
Cold chill within me
I’m not sure
I want to see
Let it be

The thought of you
The memories
We were meant to be
You couldn’t see

Break into your little heart
Break into every little dark
Emotion I can find
That you’ve left behind

I saw an open field
It reminded me of you
I could almost see you with it all
A beautiful smile and a football

Love your sweat
Your smell
Your lies and the tales you tell
(incomplete)

Pushpanjali Banerji

apathetic

I don’t know you at all
You broken, screwed up- apathetic
I don’t know you at all
Your words disgust me

You’re down on the floor again
Begging and pleading
Your vivid display of emotions misleading
Kicking and screaming
Get up you
I don’t know you at all

Stop, stop with the crying
Stop with the praying
Stop with the bullshit tears
Stop with the childish fears

Pulling at your hair
Sobbing in despair
Bleeding from the start
Bleeding from your heart

Foolishly raped
Stupidly drowned
You still haven’t escaped
Repeatedly downed

Go kill yourself in a corner
Where no one would see
Embrace your own torture
Where no one would be

So get up you
Get out of me
Get up you
Get the fuck out of me
Get the fuck out of me

Stop staring at me
From the mirror
Stop bringing me down
Die out with your fervor

I don’t know you at all
You broken, screwed up- apathetic
I don’t know you at all
Your being disgusts me


-pushpanjali banerji

twisted lover- the lovesong

Don’t you know baby
You’ve gotta twisted lover in me
Don’t you know baby
You’re goodbye took the life outta me

You look up and see the stars
While I sit alone and wonder where you are
You taught me to dream
That’s all I can seem
To do-
Without you

Don’t you know baby
You’ve gotta twisted lover in me
You’ve tied me up up baby
While you roam around free

No one noticed my tears
Like you did baby
You came and took away all my fears
And then you just left me alone

What about all the promises
What about all the words you said
What about my broken heart
About the way you drifted apart

I know you love to hurt me
To bruise my heart and my soul
I know you’ve broken me
Yet you’re the only one who can make me whole

Don’t you know baby
You’ve gotta twisted lover in me
You’ve blinded me baby
And I keep falling cause I cant see

You’re the one I dream of
The one I need to be a part of
Be with me
You’ve gotta twisted lover in me
Believe in me
Don’t let your twisted lover be.

-Pushpanjali Banerji

The worst is done. New life has begun.
I’m looking through my window again. Watching new colours fill the sky, watching new faces filled with joy.
I have to reach out. I’m on my own finally. I’ve let go of the past- what it was. I no longer bear the same thoughts in my head, dragging me down.
I’m outstretched- facing the sun, feeling its warmth on my soul.
I’m going to leave an impression. I can’t fade away.
I no longer care for you.

It’s like the rain.
Washing away my sadness. The ground feels fresh and new, its smell intoxicating.
I want to build something here.
The pain has evaporated. I can’t say it’s still inside me in some corner of my mind because its not. The footsteps have faded. You no longer are walking in circles through my mind.

I pray: It remains this way.
I’m ready to work hard. Sweat and blood I can give it all. I am here. And that’s all that’s ever mattered, and matters still.



Pushpanjali Banerji

Regret

The scene plays on
With an enchanting song
Within my head
Against a shade of red.

I speculate
The drama disseminates
Into various sides of me
Into a psychotic fantasy

The cloud bursts
It breaks-
It takes-
Me in.
Colors-
Stream out-
As the light grows dim

Reflections in the mirror
Stare at me
A face I can’t remember
Is all I can see

My body trembles
My words fumble
I’ve loaded the gun
The fun has just begun

I smile as thoughts
Breeze through my brain
Feeling my anger
Feeling my pain

The drama takes its turns
My heart shivers and burns
As laughter echoes through the air
Someone is crying somewhere

I stand up from the floor
I wont sit anymore
The colors are too bright
This has to end tonight.

Has it rained blood
From the skies
Or has it emerged from the ground
Is it visible to just my eyes
Or has it finally been found?

I will awaken
When the drama ends
I will awaken
When the dialogues descend

The colors seem to be fading
The theme strained
The words splattered
The characters shattered

Why do I feel so different
Have I changed
Or am I deranged

The series of pictures
With the flowing etude
My paradise
My escapement
Falls silent after subdue

I submerge into reality
And realize that I cant
Locked within glass
Am I free at last?

I feel so trapped
So deserted
So empty
Is this my future
My destiny?

I see my body lying
In a pool of blood
Silently dying
Its screams unheard

So much it has felt
Heard and seen
Life would have been long
If my soul wasn’t stuck in between

What have I done
I came out alive everytime
What have I done
I’ve destroyed my own time.



Pushpanjali Banerji

one beautiful song

Richard Marx - Endless Summer Nights Lyrics

Summer came and left without a warning
All at once I looked and you were gone
And now you're looking back at me
Searching for a way that we can be
like we were before

Now I'm back to what I knew before you
Somehow the city doesn't look the same
I'd give my life for one more night
Of having you here to hold me tight;

oh, please
Take me there again

Oh, oh[Chorus:]And I remember how you loved me
Time was all we had until the day we said goodbye
I remember every moment
of those endless summer nights

I still recall the walks along the beaches
And the way your hair would glisten in the sun
Rising in the afternoon
Making love to you under the moon,
oh

Do you remember all the nights we spent in silence
Every single breath you took was mine
We can have it all again
Say that you'll be with me when the sun brings your heart to mine

Oh, oh[Chorus]
There's only so much I can say
So please don't run away from what we have together
It's only you and me tonight

So let's stay lost in flight
Oh, won't you please surrender

Oh, oh[Chorus:]And I remember how you loved me
Time was all we had until the day we said goodbye
I remember every moment
of those endless summer nights

The Unhappy Single

The Unhappy Single

Without being my usual observant self, I picked up the first card I lay my hands on at Archie’s. All around me I could see big red balloons and heart shaped furry pillows that seemed positively obnoxious. I saw fat girlfriends yapping away on their cell phones and feminine looking men stroking a teddy bears belly, with an awestruck expression as though the teddy’s fur was the doing of a supernatural miracle.
I made my way to the counter with my elbows out as there was quite a rush, and I was in a hurry. I paid, waited impatiently and left as soon as the receipt was printed and handed to me, because the suffocation was increasing. The big red hearts were garish and getting to me, the “I Love You’s” were too in-my face, and I needed to get out. As you have figured out, I am an odd human being. And that it is Valentine’s Day.

The minute I stepped out I saw (mostly badly overdressed) couples desperately trying to look love struck. The 'jaans' and the 'cuchi-coo’s' came floating to my ears filling me with a desperate desire to purchase earplugs.
I then decided to stop for a meal in a Chinese restaurant that I adored. Despite the fact that I was not with my friends, I was ready to splurge and treat myself. After all, it was Valentine’s Day. I ordered, a rather expensive, one portion of noodles and chicken. What I got was a helping good enough for three people! I asked the waiter why did one portion not look like one portion. He looked at the empty seat beside me and said “Madam, usually we expect couples or families ” There it was. A slap on the face. I was subjected to food wastage and overpricing because I was single.
I met up a friend later, who, by the way, had asked me to purchase the card that caused me all that suffocation and humiliation. That place was a constant reminder to me of days when I used to stop there and lovingly spend hours searching for a Real Madrid poster. It reminded me of my broken relationship, if only some body would bomb those furry stupid hearts!

Later that day I decided to hang out at a disc and just forget about everything. My friends were late, so I decided to just go on in. the man at the door asked me if I had a date. I was disgusted. “No”, I said, rather sharply. “Okay” he said, but the look that I got was more Oh-you-poor-thing.
Everyday I find a pair of eyes looking at me in wonder when I sit and have a cup of coffee alone.

Once I was lodging an FIR against someone who had crashed into my car. The officer just looked behind me and asked whether there was a man he could speak to!

I am being judged. I am being sympathized with. I am equated as less capable without a partner. I am thought to have bad luck. I don’t want any sympathy! Can’t they see? This is how I choose to be?
Why can’t society grow single friendly? Why do strangers feel it’s all right to letch when a girl is without a man? Why is a large pack of mother dairy ice cream have to be called “Family Pack?” how about XXL?

I don’t want to condemn myself to forever justifying myself to some man just yet. I don’t want to be sitting around waiting for a phone call that never came or a phone that rings off the hook the whole day. I don’t want to tell someone where I am, what I am doing and when I will be back. And lastly, I don’t want to be caught dead standing in Archie’s, with my phone in my ear while blowing my money on a silly, big furry red heart.


-Pushpanjali Banerji

Bubbles

Bubbles


The peddler on the side had toys, which no one wanted to buy. He whisked out a tiny plastic tube from his bag.
A pair of curious eyes watched as he dipped it in a soapy solution. Soon, a crowd of awestruck street children had stopped their play short to watch the bubbles-so many of those reflecting circles, white and blue nothings, gliding gracefully out of the garish fluorescent tube and floating into the sky.
The peddler’s poise changed, he took the form of an action hero frozen mid air. Pride filled in his tiny frame as his eyes took in all the attention.
“Do it once again,” they begged. “Please!”
The last of the little bubbles had burst, leaving behind nothing but a memory of its graceful glide in the air and a watery drop.
The peddler obliged. Once again, the street was filled with the luminous bubbles that the children reached out to touch. Slightly disappointed by the way they burst when a curious finger touched them, they felt no heartbreak- they simply reached out to the next translucent globe of light.
A car suddenly screeched to a halt on the other side of the street. The window rolled down. The peddler was rudely called.
Within the car sat a father and his son. “I wannnt the bubble maker!” the child wailed frustratingly.
“Give it to him!” the father said with all impoliteness in his tone.
The peddler reached into his bag and took out a plastic tube and its soapy solution.
“This is broken! Look! There’s a crack!” said the man in the car.
“It was the last piece sir… Unless, unless little sir here would like mine.” The peddler squeaked, barely audible.
The man nodded and snatched the tube that was the peddler’s own. He thrust ten rupees in his hand.
The street children watched quietly as the little boy stepped out of the car. He thrust the fluorescent tube in his mouth. A string of bubbles came flying out, with astonishing speed. The bubbles were deformed and tiny. The burst almost as soon as they emerged from the tube.
They didn’t glide and gleam in the light.
The street children watched from the corner, their hearts twisting in envy, as the boy walked away with the cheap garish fluorescent tube that made miracles.
The one they loved so much. They stared-till the last of the tiny bubbles burst.


Pushpanjali Banerji

the forest

There was rustling in the leaves
The moon crept out from behind the trees
Our footsteps left traces in the sand
I looked at you as I held your hand

Broken, disjointed paths
Thoughts forming and breaking within my head
Our laughter echoed, our eyes twinkled
Like luminous beads of sweat

The spaces in between
Our words
We filled with kisses
The spaces in between
Our love
We filled with denial

We reached the lake
Swam in its green blue water
Took time to make
What would be remembered there after

The forest whispered
Into my ear
But your stare
Made sure I shouldn’t hear

I saw the metal in the pale moonlight
And in the look in your eyes
Fear set in
Sand glittered on my skin

The blade was cool and wet
I wondered why you wept
As I lay awaiting death

I can smell you
I’m taking you in
I’ll miss you
Can’t I breathe you in?

Stab me, stab me again
I didn’t see it coming
I can’t bear the pain
Can’t bear what I’m becoming

Goodbye my love
I feel no hate
Goodbye my love
I guess it was fate

Do not tell anyone
Of this night in the forest
Don’t think of what you’ve done
Tonight in the forest
This night in the forest
This night in the forest…

pushpanjali banerji

Dark November.

Dark November.
Nov 2006


My darling Mrinalini…this is for you

The sun caught your eye
As your face- lit up to smile
And as I quietly gazed
It took a while
Till you told the tale
Of what was in your heart.

I caught your hands
Your tiny hands
Took them in mine
And began to cry
Like I’ve never done before
For, you said you’d speak no more.

Tears were in my eyes
As I waited
For the endless November night
To say good bye
To slowly die.

The air was cold
Or maybe it was warm
I saw a calm sea
Or maybe a storm
I screamed aloud
Weren’t you lost-
So you could be found?

I wish to feel your breath
I wish to feel your hair
I want you all around me
But you’re not there
What can I do
To be close to you

You brought me up
You made me strong
We grew together
And all along
I was alone
I’m on my own.

Where was it
That your mind
Led you to-
What was it
That you had to find

Blindly you followed
Selfishly hollowed
Just to reach up there
Giving me up was the fare

Tears are in my eyes
As I wait
For the endless November night
To say goodbye
To slowly die

Wont you come to me
In my dreams again
Show me your love
Expose your pain
And tell that bloodied tale
All over again

I’ll wait to watch the sun
Catch your eye
As you laugh
And as you cry
For in the sun
We shine as one

The tangles in your long brown hair
Created with the wind
Your loose brown hair
Flying everywhere
So much to share

Dark November night
Fade slowly.
As the ray of light
Invades your colour

Hold on tight
It’s just a dark November night
Don’t give up now
You have to fight
You will discover
Your true colour.

Pushpanjali Banerji

Sometimes Vicious Husband

Sometimes Vicious Husband


Broken rays of light
Illuminate shattered glass.
It was another hard night
That’s ended at last.

I watch as they sparkle,
Stained with my blood
Luminous pieces of glass-
At least when you shattered
You were heard.

Tears flow down my face
As I unwillingly retrace
I wish I could drown the pain
I pray I wouldn’t be battered again

He makes his way towards me
His footsteps heavy and loud
I tremble as fear invades me
A cry from within suddenly aloud

I don’t want to hold these hands who beat me
And hold me not to make me whole
Who use their strength to defeat me
And scar my heart and soul

His eyes scan
My mangled state
Sympathy in his tone
Designed to devastate

In one swift movement
He lifts my bloodied body
Distancing himself from my lament
He places a pillow beside me

I look at his face
His features-
Twisted in animation
His words are calming
Aiming to erase
All my anger, hate, intimidation

Deteriorate and die
The bond of marriage mocks me
No more tears I can bear to cry
For what this man does to me

Society says he’s my friend
Tradition says he’ll be there till the end
Through the ups and downs we strive
And I wonder how long I will survive

He brushes my hair aside
Holds me gently, sits down beside
I stare at the face of my lover
My savior
My friend
And sometimes vicious husband

Push Banerji.